A man without a woman is a bachelor.
A woman without a man is a genius.

Sure, marriage can be fun some of the time.
Trouble is, you're married all of the time.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
Usually, the reason is that somebody messed up.

Why adopt a highway?
I already drive like I own the road.

Most stress is caused by three things:
Money, family, and family with no money.

I try not to limit my madness to March.

Only on a cruise ship will you pay hundreds of dollars a day to sleep in a closet.

Thanks to the Internet,
you can get hopelessly in debt without ever leaving your house.

Prescription drug costs are a tough pill to swallow.

Trust me.
Tight-fit jeans and loose-fit skin are one bad combination.

Aging hasn't slowed me down.
And it hasn't shut me up.

The squirrels must be gathering nuts.
Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

Hard work can solve any problem.
Unless the problem is that you're working too hard.

Ask not what your country can do for you...
Seriously, it stopped listening years ago!
(like 2001 when Bush became President)

Slow and steady wins the race.
Unless slow and steady gets run over by fast and erratic.

My motto:
Live long and pester.

And the controversy continues:
Is golf a sport, a game, or just a total waste of time?

Recycling is just common sense.
Which is probably why most people don't do it.

If I had all the money I've spent on the lottery,
it would be like winning the lottery.

I guess the phrase, "there's a 50% chance of precipitation"
does sound more scientific than "might rain, might not."

I not only march to the beat of a different drummer ...
I kick the drummer's butt if he misses a beat.

I think I'll try to go to church on Easter.
It will give me a chance to test the GPS I got for Christmas.

Nothing says "Spring" like bird crap all over your car.

I remember when a cell phone was a place where you placed a call to your lawyer.

A new study says there is more adult language and violence on TV than ever before.
Yep, I think we'll all be glad when this election is over.

I can't use a cell phone in my car.
I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

Why have a snowball fight
when you can have a snowball ambush?

The best way to keep your friends from borrowing your stuff is to have crappy stuff.

Christopher Columbus was a man among men ...
which explains why he didn't ask for directions and ended up on the wrong continent.

If you're spoiled rotten, thank a grandparent!

In school, I always gave 110%.
No wonder I flunked math.

So many people, so few ways to tell them where to go.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

You can choose your pets, but you can't choose your relatives.
But you can choose to sic your pets on your relatives.

My soul's had enough chicken soup. It wants some chocolate.