A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.   It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
    So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
    standing in a garage makes you a car.

* The early bird might get the worm,
    but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* Do not argue with an idiot.
    He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
    Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
    But it's still on the list.

* Light travels faster than sound.  
    This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up;
    we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
    Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening,"
    and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
    To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops.
    A train station is where a train stops.
    My desk is a work station.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
    but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
    train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

* I thought I wanted a career;
    turns out I just wanted pay checks.

* A bank is a place that will lend you money
    if you can prove that you don't need it.

* Whenever I fill out an application,
    in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
    but check when you say the paint is wet?

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
   and 50 for Miss America?

* Behind every successful man is his woman.
    Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive.
    You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* The voices in my head may not be real,
    but they have some good ideas!

* Always borrow money from a pessimist.
    He won't expect it back.

* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home,
    even if you wish they were.

* Money can't buy happiness,
    but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
    by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go.
    Others whenever they go.

* There's a fine line between cuddling
    and holding someone down so they can't get away.

* I used to be indecisive.
    Now I'm not sure.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire,
    remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast
    when you are after it as when you are in it.

* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,
    why do some people have more than one child?

* Change is inevitable,
    except from a vending machine.

* Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
    but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
    so I said "Implants?"

* To be sure of hitting the target,
    shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* "If you're not part of the solution,
   you're part of the precipitate." Henry J. Tillman

* "I belong to no organized party.
    I am a Democrat." Will Rogers

* "She got her good looks from her father,
    he's a plastic surgeon." Groucho Marx

* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening,
    but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

* "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
    How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." Groucho Marx

* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
    Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

* "Take my wife, please." - Henny Youngman

* "I haven't slept for ten days,
    because that would be too long." Mitch Hedberg

* "Where there's a will, I want to be in it."

* I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder
    for me to find one now.