A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
* The early bird might get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up;
we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening,"
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
My desk is a work station.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
* I thought I wanted a career;
turns out I just wanted pay checks.
* A bank is a place that will lend you money
if you can prove that you don't need it.
* Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?
* Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* The voices in my head may not be real,
but they have some good ideas!
* Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.
* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home,
even if you wish they were.
* Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go.
* There's a fine line between cuddling
and holding someone down so they can't get away.
* I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire,
remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast
when you are after it as when you are in it.
* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,
why do some people have more than one child?
* Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.
* Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I said "Implants?"
* To be sure of hitting the target,
shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* "If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate." - Henry J. Tillman
* "I belong to no organized party.
I am a Democrat." - Will Rogers
* "She got her good looks from her father,
he's a plastic surgeon." - Groucho Marx
* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening,
but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
* "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." - Groucho Marx
* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
* "Take my wife, please." - Henny Youngman
* "I haven't slept for ten days,
because that would be too long." - Mitch Hedberg
* "Where there's a will, I want to be in it."
* I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.