Your lucky number is 9412853042157621. Watch for it everywhere.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

The days of good grammar has went.

Bad spellers of the world untie!

If you can't read this, you're illiterate!

Strange that psychics have to ask you for your name.

Girls are like domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

Make the little things count. Teach midgets math.

Passwords are like underwear - change them often.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.   I think I've forgotten this before.

My days are backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Men also have feelings... for example even they can feel hungry!

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and announce your name?

Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Never buy a car you can't push.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at Math!

I tried sniffing Coke once, and the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

God is coming and he is bringing donuts!

One Direction is one dimensional!

Remember, it is not, 'How high are you?'; it is 'Hi, how are you?"

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

You can't change a man... unless he's in diapers!

Chemistry jokes are 'So dium' funny.

Microsoft is to software what McDonald's is to gourmet cooking.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

Always be sincere ... even if you don't mean it.

The road to success is usually under construction.

Happiness can't buy money.

Death is hereditary.

Was Oscar Wilde?

LOST! One science teacher after last Thursday's experiment.

Drive carefully -- don't hit a child.
Wait for a teacher.

To do is to be -- Descartes.
To be is to do -- Voltaire.
Do be do be do -- Frank Sinatra.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Snore and you sleep alone.

Is there any intelligent life on earth?
Yes, but I'm only visiting.

I used to be afraid of the dark. Now I'm terrified of the electricity bill.

I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

Socks have the highest divorce rate.

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If brains were taxed, you'd get a rebate.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

NO woman has ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes.

It`s easy to fall asleep in class, but hard to fall asleep in my bed.

If men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back?

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built up-side-down.

Man is a social animal who dislikes his fellow beings.

Never yell, "Hi, Jack!" on an airplane.

I love God. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.

Smile, everyone loves a moron.