99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2 + 2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's
either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one
more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this
particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Math Teacher brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long
line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter
and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided
him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his
desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what
makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you
billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after
he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly
Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their
respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their
new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such,
St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief
flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
(cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of
lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be
spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the
Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can
hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete
leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane
until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete
indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and
turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild
state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You
put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's
the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little
girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car,
the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell
where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to
the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the
ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry
says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us
is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other
three are mythological creatures.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made
his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would
like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state,
it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I
could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and
exclaim, "That's Strange!"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,
and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have
a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an
envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the
equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Jesus and the devil are having a dispute on the property
boundaries between heaven and hell. Well, Jesus being the nice
guy that He is decides to put up a wooden fence along his
The devil started throwing fireballs over the fence to aggravate
Jesus. The devil accidently threw a fireball into the fence and
burned the whole fence down.
This made Jesus mad. He ran up to the devil and said, "I am
going to sue you for this!"
The devil laughed and replied, "Where are you going to find a
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. "There must be a mistake," he argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55."
"Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 82." "How do you get that?" the lawyer asks.
Answers Saint Peter, "We added up your time sheets."
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he
discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The
sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and
asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of
the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into
step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins
to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain,
more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two
blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people
begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements,
vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at
his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the
hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the
time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats
twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he
jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he
hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as
far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the
light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats
surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
A first-year elementary school teacher decided to get to know her kids by having each tell what his/her parents did for a living. All went well until the teacher called on Johnny. Johnny said, "My daddy's a piano player in a whorehouse." Flustered, the new teacher ended the activity and remained livid the rest of the day that a father would tell a little boy such a thing. That night she called Johnny's father and inquired if indeed he had told his son he was a piano player in a whorehouse. The father admitted he had and then added in his defense, "But what was I supposed to say? Did you want me to tell Johnny the truth - that I'm a lawyer???!!!"
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a
dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery