"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Steven Seagal

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.   But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.   At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -Dave Barry

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped!" - Groucho Marx

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.   I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.   I just want to say to the authors of that study Huh?" -Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?   I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,   Oh my Goodness.   I could be eating a slow learner." -Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." –Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started.   A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.   Let's go west.'" -Richard Jeni

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.   Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -Dave Barry

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

"Oh, you hate your job?   Why didn't you say so?   There's a support group for that.   It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

"Skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Give me a beer and a mop.'"

"My wife and I took out insurance policies on one another - so now it's just a waiting game." - Bil Dwyer

"I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me." - Ronnie Shakes

"My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money, watch your health.'   So one day when I was watching my health, someone stole all my money.   It was my grandfather." - Jackie Mason


It doesn't hurt to take a good hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started......

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, them we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a room with or without a view?"


Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."


The philosopher and mathematician Rene Descartes was sitting in a bar having a few drinks. The bartender came over and asked Rene if he'd like another round, to which Rene responded, "I think not." Rene immediately disappeared.


Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. But the next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."


Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries, and a Diet Coke.

Only in America do drugstores make the sick customers walk all the way to the back of the store to get their presrciptions.

Only in America do banks leave both doors open, and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and keep useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

What Would You Say? -- from ASK Marilyn

Alfred, Lord Tennyson wrote, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

George Rawlins said, "It is better to have loved and lost, unless there was alimony involved."

Pauline Vrbanic said, "It is better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with the jerk for the rest of your life."

Joe Knox said, "It is better to have loved and lost, then win the lottery."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and their conversation turns to their adventures at sea.   The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

"How'd you get the peg leg?"
"We were in a storm, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks," the pirate said.   "A shark bit my leg off."

"Wow.   And the hook?"
"We were boarding an enemy ship, and their sailors had swords," the pirate said.   "They cut my hand off."

"Oooh.   And the eye patch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," the pirate said.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asked increduously.
"Well ... it was my first day with the hook."

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.   The first guy wishes he were off the island and back home.   The second guy wishes the same.   The third guy says, "I'm lonely.   I wish my friends were back here."

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken."   The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?"   The guy says, "We would, but we need the eggs."

A guy shows up late for work.   The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!"   He replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A drunk is staggering down the streetwith one foot down in the gutter and one foot up on the curb.   A cop stops him and says, "You're drunk!"   The drunk replies, "Thank God, I thought I was crippled."

How I Learned to Mind My Own Business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13."

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked
through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick,
then they all started shouting, "14... 14... 14."

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"