"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"90% of all statistics are made up."

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.

2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).

2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2).

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

43% of all statistics are totally worthless !!!

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."

"A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." - R. Frost

"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience." -Doug Larson

A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.

A bad day on the bike always beats a good day in the office!

A big enough hammer fixes anything.

A bird in the hand can be messy.

A closed mind gathers no intelligence. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

ASCII stupid question... get a stupid ANSI!

All I need to know I learned from my cat.

All generalizations are bad.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All in all just another brick in the wall.

All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

... All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsal.

Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.

And now for something completely different...

Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716.

Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!

Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

"C++" should have been called "D"

"COINCIDENCE" happens.

"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4."

Chernobyl used MACs.

Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.

... Clinton Economics: If 1+2=3 then 4+5=6.

... Clinton sandwich: $5 of baloney and $20 in taxes.

Committees keep minutes and lose hours.

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

D.A.M. - Mothers Against Dyslexia

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Dislexics of the world, UNTIE!

Do fish get thirsty?

"Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze?" -- Calvin

"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it."

EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.

F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers.

FIGHT BACK! Fill out your tax forms with Roman numerals.

Fad: In one era and out the other.

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Friendly fire - ISN'T !

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.

God is love... Love is blind... Ray Charles is God!

Guns don't kill people... death does.

He does the work of 3 Men...Moe, Larry & Curly.

He who Laughs, Lasts.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

"I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan

"If I knew what I was doing...I'd be dangerous..."

"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos

"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.

"It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end."-D. Adams

... "I'll be Bach." - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger

I *LOVE* it when a plan comes together!

I Cayman went.

I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!

I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.

I Still miss my ex-wife.....BUT, My aim is improving!

I Think....therefore I'm OVER QUALIFIED!!!!!!!!!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

I am sweet and lovable at all times.

I am the girl-next-door's imaginary boyfriend.

I am what I am and that's all that I am.

I am. Therefore, I think. I think.

I appreciate your not breathing while I smoke.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I bought a cordless extension cord.

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I came, I saw, I took LOTS of PICTURES!

I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries.

I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!

I can resist anything but temptation.

I can tell you are lying.   Your lips are moving.

I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!

I could have stuck with DOS, but NO.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!

I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.

I distinctly remember forgetting that.

I do not fear computers.   I fear the lack of them.

I don't care if I'm apathetic.

I don't care who you are, Fatso.   Get the reindeer off my roof!

I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

I don't want the world, I just want your half.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.

I get mail........ I exist.

I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once.

I have a rock garden.   3 of them died last week.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

I just bought a cured ham.   Wonder what it had?

I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

I like to leave messages *before* the beep.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up.

I may not always be perfect, but I'm always me.

I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

I never met a chocolate I didn't like!

I only counted 100 dalmatians...!!!

I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.

I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.

I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person!

I remember when Saturns were rockets, not cars.

I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

I tried being reasonable once. I didn't like it.

I tried switching to gum but couldn't keep it lit.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!

I used to be indecisive.   Now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.

I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off....

I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!

I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!

I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.

I xeroxed my watch.   Now I have time to spare.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.

I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.

I'm from Jersey! You from Jersey? Yeah? What exit?

I'm in shape ... Rounds a shape isn't it?

I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm no stranger, just a friend you haven't met...

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.

I'm not lost!   I'm "locationally challenged."

I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.

I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!

I'm not paranoid!   Which of my enemies told you this?

I'm out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead!

I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.

I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.

If Einstein Had Been Black It would be E=MC Hammer.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If I can't win, I don't wanna play!

If I save time, when do I get it back ?

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!

If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.

If in doubt, make it sound convincing.

If it isn't broken, don't fix it.

If it's too loud, you're too old.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!

If you can't debug it, deplug it.

If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." Bill Gates

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.

In God we trust, all others pay cash.

In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

Individualists of the world, UNITE!

Insanity is hereditary.   You get it from your kids.

Insanity is just a state of mind.

Iraq's national bird?, "DUCK"

Is "tired old cliche" one?

Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?

Is there life before coffee?

It ain't easy being easy.

It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

It is better to be brief than boring.

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.

It is not enough to succeed.   Others must fail.

It is, after all, only a moment in the infinity of time.

It works better if you plug it in.

It works better when you turn the brightness up.

It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

It's easier to obtain forgiveness than permission.

It's like Deja Vu all over again...

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Jesus Christ is the answer.   Now, what was your question?

Jesus is coming back, and boy, is he ticked!

Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.

Just do it.

Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?

Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.

Keep America beautiful.. properly dispose of your lawyer.

Kids - They're not sleeping, they're recharging!

Kleptomania: take something for it.

Know God...No peace. No God...Know peace.

Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!

Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.

Life - brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.

Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.

Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!

Live before you die.

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.

Love your neighbor but don't get caught.

Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Math is the language God used to write the universe.

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.

May I please be excused?   My brain is full.

Memory is a thing we forget with.

Men play the game; women know the score.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Murphy's law needs to be repealed.

My other car is a broom!

My other computer is a Cray Y/MP-4!

My other computer is a abacus.

My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.

NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.

NO!   Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!

Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.

Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

Never eat yellow snow!

Never enough time, unless you're serving it.

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

Never hit a man with glasses.   Use your fist!

Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.

Never trust a skinny cook.

Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Now that I've given up hope I feel much better...

OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!

Of all the things I've lost...I miss my mind the most.

Old age is better than the alternative.

Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken.

Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!

Oxymoron - Definite possibility.

Oxymoron - Military Intelligence.

Pascal: What's it Wirth?

Pizza IS the four food groups!

Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.

Poets go from bad to verse

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Press CTRL ALT DELETE to continue...

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Put people on hold when possible.

Quoth the Raven, "Eat My Shorts."

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.

Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

Remember that you are unique.   Just like everyone else.

Rubber bands have snappy endings!

Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Science asks why.   I ask why not.

Shoplifters with the runs take Clepto Bismol.

Short people are vertically challenged.

Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another.

Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!

Spell chequers dew knot work write.

Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.

"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." - Mark Twain

"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain

"There's someone in my head, but its not me." -Pink Floyd

THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Take two crows and caw me in the morning.

Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The best defense against logic is stupidity.

The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s.

The best way to win an argument is to be right.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.

The future isn't what it used to be.

The gene pool has no lifeguard.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.

The patient's taken a turn for the nurse.

The pen is mightier than the pencil.

The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.

The road to success is always under construction.

The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.

There are no atheists in the foxholes.

There is an exception to every rule, except this one.

There is much Obiwan did not tell you.

This Country Needs Group Therapy.

To err is human.   To really screw up it takes a computer.

To err is human. To moo bovine.

To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.

Trees hit cars only in self-defense.

Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.

Two most common elements: hydrogen, stupidity.

Two's company, three's the result.

UFO's are real: the Air Force doesn't exist.

. Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.

Veni Vidi Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups.

Vultures only fly with carrion luggage!

Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit

Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!

Want a taste of religion?   Bite a minister.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress .

We're lost, but we're making good time.

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

What do batteries run on?

What's another word for 'thesaurus?'

Who is "they" anyway?

Whoever has the most when he dies... WINS!

Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?

Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?

Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled "palindromeemordnilap"?

Will Rogers never met a lawyer.

Women do come with instructions; ask them.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due.

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

Zen T-Shirt: Enlightenment Available - Enquire Within