- I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
    (around a picture of dandelions)

- So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

- If They Don't Have Chocolate in Heaven, I Ain't Going.

- At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All ...
    I Just Can't Remember It All.

- My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.

- I Just Do What the Voices Inside My Head Tell ME to Do.
    (Picture of an open Bible on the front of the shirt, this on the back):
    When All Else Fails, Read the Directions.

- A Man Did This to Me, Oprah. (worn by a pregnant woman)

- Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Whine.

- If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.
    (on a passing motorcyclist)

- I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now.

- If I Had Known Being a Grandparent Was So Much Fun,
    I Would Have Done It First!

- My Governor Can Beat up Your Governor.
    (over the outline of the state of Minnesota)

- Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did A Little Shopping.

- What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?

- I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to be a Vegetarian.

- Yale is Just One Big Party. (on the front)
    With a $25,000 Cover Charge. (on the back)

- Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

- Liberal Arts Major ... Will Think For Food.

- Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional.

- Don't treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen.

- Gravity ... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law!

- If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen.

- First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed.

- The Old Pro ... Often Wrong ... Never in Doubt.

- In Dog Years, I'm Dead!

- I conquered Bulimia (on a rather large male)

- Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye-Opener!

- If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You.

- The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard.

- Get a New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.

- It's Hard To Be Nostalgic When You Can't Remember Anything.

- Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

- I'm Going To Graduate On Time, No Matter How Long it Takes.

- Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well.

- A Day Without Sunshine Is Like night.

- A City Is a Large Community Where People Are Lonesome Together.

- First Things First, but Not Necessarily In That Order.

- Old Age Comes At a Bad Time.

- In America, Anyone Can Be President.
    That's One of the Risks That You Take.