There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.   "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.   "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.   There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.   Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times.   If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.   Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.   If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.   "Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.   The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.   The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.   The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...   "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.   Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air.   "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.   "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.   The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.   Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.   "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.   It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.   It's the same in my business."

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father.   "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." The young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.   The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.   Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.   He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

WHY I NEVER WASH

A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn't attend worship services, included "Reasons Why I Never Wash" in the Sunday bulletin:

I was forced to as a child.
People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
There are so many different kinds of soap; I can't decide which one is best.
I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
None of my friends wash.
I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
I can't spare the time.
The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
People who make soap are only after your money.
I don't like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don't need a bathtub.
I know how to stay clean without washing.
The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
What I do doesn't affect anybody but me.
I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
I don't believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.
If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
I'm so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.
Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
Washing is for women and children.
Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
I only believe in things I can see, and I can't see bacteria.
Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
Children need to see a few bad examples.
Washing may have been OK in my grandfather's day, but it's not practical in today's world. I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive.
I watch other people washing on TV.
There are lots of clean people who never wash.
We've just moved here six years ago and haven't had a chance.
I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
I never wash when I have company.
Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
My wife washes enough for the whole family
I know people who wash but don't act very clean.
Washing is the opiate of the masses.