During these serious and troubled times,
people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope
as the leader of the Christian church.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other in
the liquor store or at Hooters.
Sign Outside a Church
There was a sign outside a church that said, "If you want to give up sinning, come inside."
Someone had written underneath it, "If not call 471-2348."
A Liberal Church
We go to a liberal church -- we now have six commandments and four suggestions.
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick
stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,
a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea
turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had
been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? "
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Tommy was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Tommy was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone
and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer,
Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response: "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER
Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Tommy received his plate,
he started eating right away. "Tommy! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Tommy explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."