There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope
as the leader of the Christian church.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in
the liquor store or at Hooters.
Sign Outside a Church
There was a sign outside a church that said, "If you want to give up sinning, come inside."
Someone had written underneath it, "If not call 471-2348."
A Liberal Church
We go to a liberal church -- we now have six commandments and four suggestions.
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick
stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick,
a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea
turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had
been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."