Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college.   I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.   I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.   You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...   Okay???

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now.   The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now.   I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance.   He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.   It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute.   He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.   We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant.   I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.   The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.   This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, and I do not have syphillis .....

However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these grades in the proper perspective.

                Your loving daughter,