Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I
have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my
thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up
to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not
to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay???
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window
of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are
pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital
and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a
day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he
was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He
also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live
because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to
share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it
is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply
in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are
looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome
the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care
you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our
marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which
prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the
penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you
that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or
skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I
am not engaged, and I do not have syphilis .....
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in
Science.... and I wanted you to see these grades in the proper
perspective.
Your loving daughter,