Direct TV ran a series of ads showing that having cable inevitably leads to misery, self-destruction and personal degradation. You lose everything and shave your head for money. You get beat up and left in a roadside ditch. You go away to some place exotic and become a local fisherman they call "Big Fatty Face." You run into Charlie Sheen and reenact scenes from Platoon with him. You fake your own death and attend your funeral in disguise. I thought that these would be fun to use in a geometry class when you present proof.
1.
When your cable is on the fritz, you get frustrated.
When you get frustrated, your daughter imitates.
When your daughter imitates, she gets thrown out of school.
When she gets thrown out of school, she meets undesirables
When she meets undesirables, she ties the knot with undesirables.
And when she ties the knot with undesirables, you get a grandson with a dog collar.
Don't have a grandson with a dog collar.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
2.
When your cable company keeps you on hold, you get angry.
When you get angry, you go blow off steam.
When you go blow off steam, accidents happen.
When accidents happen, you get an eye patch.
When you get an eye patch, people think you're tough.
When people think you're tough, people want to see how tough.
And when people want to see how tough, you wake up in a roadside ditch.
Don't wake up in a roadside ditch.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
3.
When you pay too much for cable, you throw things.
When you throw things, people think you have anger issues.
When people think you have anger issues, your schedule clears up.
When your schedule clears up, you grow a scragly beard.
When you grow a scragly beard, you start taking in stray animals.
And when you start taking in stray animals, you can't stop taking in stray animals.
Stop taking in stray animals.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
4.
When you have cable and can't find something good to watch, you get depressed.
When you get depressed, you attend seminars.
When you attend seminars, you feel like a winner.
When you feel like a winner, you go to Vegas.
When you go to Vegas, you lose everything.
And when you lose everything, you sell your hair to a wig shop.
Don't sell your hair to a wig shop.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
5.
When you pay too much for cable, you feel dejected.
When you feel dejected, you need some comfort.
When you need some comfort, you make a surprise visit home.
When you make a surprise visit home, you discover something new about your parents.
When you discover something new about your parents, you speed off with tears in your eyes.
And when you speed off with tears in your eyes, you drive into a pizzeria that makes great baked ziti.
Don't drive into a pizzeria that makes great baked ziti!!!!
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
6.
When you have cable and can't record all your shows, you feel unhappy.
When you feel unhappy, you go to happy hour.
When you go to happy hour, you're up for anything.
When you're up for anything, you head for a Turkish bath house.
When you head for a Turkish bath house, you meet Charlie Sheen.
And when you meet Charlie Sheen, you reenact scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen.
Don't reenact scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
7.
When you have cable and your picture freezes, you get irritable.
When you get irritable, your work suffers.
When your work suffers, the wrong man is convicted.
When the wrong man is convicted, he has time to think.
When he has time to think, he thinks about you a lot.
And when he thinks about you a lot, your house explodes.
Don't have your house explode.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
8.
When you pay too much for cable, you feel powerless.
When you feel powerless, you want to take the power back.
When you want to take the power back, you take karate.
When you take karate, you want to use your karate.
When you want to use your karate, you become the fist of goodness.
When you become the fist of goodness, you run along rooftops.
And when you run along rooftops, you fall into a dinner party.
Don't fall into a dinner party.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
9.
When you wait forever for the cable guy, you get bored.
When you get bored, you start staring out windows.
When you start staring out windows, you see things you shouldn't see.
When you see things you shouldn't see, you need to vanish.
When you need to vanish, you fake your own death.
When you fake your own death, you dye your eyebrows.
And when you dye your eyebrows, you attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Shifley.
Don't attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Shifley.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
10.
When the cable company keeps you on hold, you feel trapped.
When you feel trapped, you need to feel free.
When you need to feel free, you try hang glding.
When you try hang glding, you crash into things.
When you crash into things, the grid goes down.
When the grid goes down, crime goes up.
And when crime goes up, your dad gets punched over a can of soup.
Don't have your dad get punched over a can of soup.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
11.
When your cable goes out, you get stressed.
When you get stressed, you need to get away.
When you need to get away, you go for something exotic.
When you go for something exotic, you get bitten by something exotic.
When you get bitten by something exotic, things swell up.
When things swell up, you can't go home.
And when you can't go home, you become a local fisherman they call "Big Fatty Face."
Don't become a local fisherman they call "Big Fatty Face.".
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
12.
When you pay too much for cable, you feel down.
When you feel down, you stay in bed.
When you stay in bed, they give your job to someone new.
When they give your job to someone new, he has a lot to learn.
When he has a lot to learn, mistakes are made.
And when mistakes are made, you get body-slammed by a Lowland Gorilla.
Don't get body-slammed by a Lowland Gorilla.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
13.
When your cable's on the fritz, you get tense.
When you get tense, you can't sleep.
When you can't sleep, you need to sleep.
When you need to sleep, you get stranded.
When you get stranded, you have to survive.
When you have to survive, you eat wild berries.
And when you eat wild berries, you chase imaginary butterflies into something highly illegal.
Don't chase imaginary butterflies into something highly illegal.
Get rid of cable and upgrade to Direct TV.
Click here for a video of some of the Direct TV Ads -- "Proofs" (mp4 format)
Click here for a video of some of the Direct TV Ads -- "Proofs" (Windows Media format)