GREAT SAYINGS OF BIBLICAL MOTHERS
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion.
You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp.
We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?
Biblical Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
1. He only had one publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some doubt he wrote it himself.
6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
7. The scientific community cannot replicate his results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board
to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry,
he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students,
"Read the book."
11. Some say He had his son teach the class.
12. He expelled his first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and
sometimes held on a mountain top.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements,
most students failed.
When God Sends People ... They Make Excuses:
Abraham was too old.
Moses stuttered.
Miriam was a gossip.
Jacob was a liar.
Gideon doubted.
Elijah was burned out.
First David's armor didn't fit, then he had an affair, and had someone killed.
Solomon was too rich.
Isaiah had unclean lips.
Jeremiah was too young.
Jonah didn't like the job.
Amos's only training was in the school of fig-tree pruning.
Naomi was a widow.
Peter was afraid of death.
Thomas was from Missouri (the "show-me" state)
Paul was a murderer.
Mark was rejected by Paul.
Timothy had ulcers.
Lazarus was dead.
Martha was a worry-wart.
... or so they claimed, before God's Spirit empowered them to rise to the occasion
and become some of the greatest heroes of our faith.
Biblical Bumper Stickers
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
Identifying the Old Testament Biblical Writers By Church Affiliation
by John Mark Reynolds
Joshua: Catholic
Why? Likes crusades and building shrines
Author of Ruth: Home Church Movement
Why? Book appears to be about religion, but really about getting married.
Esther: Pentecostal
Why? Good looking women leaders.
Samuel: Calvinist
Why? If God hasn’t chosen you or rejects you, you are through.
Isaiah: Evangelical
Why? Because he could find the Gospel anywhere.
Jeremiah (Jeremiah) : Calvinist
Why? Dour.
Hosea: Baptist
Why? It is all about second chances.
Ezekiel: Orthodox
Why? Weird symbols nobody really understands.
Daniel: Dispensationalist
Why? Weird symbols nobody really understands related to the future.
Micah: Calvinist
Why? The news is bad now, but someday it will be better.
Nahum: Wesleyan
Why? Bad cities will be destroyed.
Obadiah: Catholic.
Why? Shortest homily in Christendom.
Habakkuk: Calvinist
Why? Stuff gets destroyed, but the just live by faith.
Zephaniah: Pentecostal
Why? There is a better language coming!
Haggai: Baptist
Why? Urges giving to the building program.
Zachariah: Dispensationalist
Why? Things stink, but when the Messiah comes they will be great!
Malachi: Calvinist
Why? Ends the epoch mad about giving.