The Top 15 Features of a Windows Car

- Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.

- MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.

- Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.

- Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.

- Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.

- "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.

- It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.

- It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.

- Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.

- Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box and says, "It looks like you're going to work! Can I help?"

- You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.

- After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that it's safe to turn off the engine.

- Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.

- You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.

- You have to pull to the side of the road, turn off and restart the engine whenever you change CD's.