Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

"If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone."

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a diffrent 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too, because come on - life is funny.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, YAHOO!, I'd have all my money back.

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: a sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!

If you make those ships in a blottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?