POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24
hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack
mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for
the best but be prepared for the worst.Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises
and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about
this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you
could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything
they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated
REJOICE EVERMORE!