Dear ______ :
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention
as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed
to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
_____ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
_____ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
_____ Your legs are skinnier than mine.
_____ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
_____ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that
you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
_____ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches,
please resubmit your application.
_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Sign your name here)
Or simply write: Put a fork in us -- we're done.