All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This
is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate! one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in
the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the
plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta airlines is pleased to have some
of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it was t! he
asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the
final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts
fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline
pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,!
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I
ask
you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old
lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a! flight attendant's arrival and announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop
from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax... OH, MY _ __!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the
flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You
should see the back of mine!"
On a Southwest Airline flight.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the
smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em,
you can smoke 'em."