My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life. You
need to get some exercise. Run 10 miles a day." Two weeks later, the
man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since
you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do
that!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy!"
The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking."
The drunk says. "Okay, let's get started."
A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen, saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"
"I *am* 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked, "When's payday?"
He said, "I don't know, you're the one who's working!"
Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I
put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away."
The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?"
"Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.
I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?"
He said, "because I was going up!"
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.