I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a
decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many
people ask if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got
a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a
new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it
(moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) .
. . and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It
was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops ..
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he
ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in
time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home
now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know
how I got there.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of
sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the
world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a
wakeup letter.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just
having trouble breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my
girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by
8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could
know how and when you were going to die, would you want to
know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was
going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making
pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads
and tails on the wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a
whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many
memories . .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the
shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live
there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
I remember when the candle shop burned down.
Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car
backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of
deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day.
He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"
I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always
room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes.
Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and
asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here
last year."
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?