1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens
suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be
if sponges didn't live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me
how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
8. So what's the speed of dark?
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour
before getting OUT of the water?
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam,
what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place.
The people who live above me are furious.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped
people at the Special Olympics?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
18. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an
"s" in it?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and
it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control
when you know the battery is dead?
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already
finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee"
on money they already know you don't have?
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving
backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the
other way?
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to
see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it
a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for
something new?
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians
eat?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar,
but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has
to touch it.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro,"
then what is the opposite of progress?
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial
ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get
rid of?
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag
and put garments in a suitcase?
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a
travel agent?
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57. Do married people live longer than single people,
or does it just SEEM longer?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59. If all those psychics know the winning lottery
numbers, why are they all still working?
60. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part
shut?
61. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
62. I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
63. When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child ... eventually.