LOST IN THE DARNEDEST PLACES

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.   She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.   An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.   'Disregard,' he says.   'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'




FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.   One night the 96-year old draws a bath.   She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells to the other sisters,   'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.   I'll come up and see.'   She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.   She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'   She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'




HEART ATTACK

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.

God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."




STATE TROOPER

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of the Dealership in Butte, MT.   Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought, as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.   He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing?   I'm too old for this', and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Porsche, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.   Today is Friday.   If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused and then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper.   I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir', replied the Trooper.




SPEEDING

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!'

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?'

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? 'These women seem awfully shaken.'

'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.

We just got off Route 127




'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.   One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.   Let's have a beer ...'




OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.   Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.   One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me.   I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!   I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.   Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her.   For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.   Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'




SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.   Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 81.   Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car.   It's hundreds of them!'




DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.   As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.   The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.   The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it.   I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.   Again, they went right through.   The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.   She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.   So, she turned to the other woman and said,   'Sue, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?   You could have killed us both!'

Sue turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?




ON AGE

Cautioning the witness to remember that she was under oath, the lawyer asked, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine and some months," she replied.
"How many months?"
"A hundred and ten."

How old was the witness?




ON DYING

A daughter asked her father who had just turned ninety, and who had never shown any fear of death, if now he did not have some fear of dying.

He answered, "I have no fear.   Statistics prove that more people die under ninety than over ninety."




ON HEARING

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

'Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'




ON RETARDMENT

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.   One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.   They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.   Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.   They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.   They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.   At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.   He watches all day so nobody can escape.   Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.   Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.   And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.   The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.   My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.   When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.   Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.




LIFE IN THE VILLAGES

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida retirement area.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks,

"Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."




HEARING AIDS

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.   He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.   Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.   I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'




LIKE A NEWBORN BABY

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.   I know you're about my age.   How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep.   No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'




MEMORY

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.   The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great ...   I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?   You know..... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.   He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'




IN THE HOSPITAL

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.   However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator ...

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said.   'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'




REMEMBERING THINGS

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.   During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.  'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure...'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.   Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that.   You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream.. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!   Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.   After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..   She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'




HEARING AIDS

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.   It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art...   It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour.   'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'




GETTING MARRIED

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'




MORE HEARING PROBLEMS

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'




CAR KEYS

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.   I was looking for my keys.   They were not in my pockets.   A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing..

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.   Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.   My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.   Her theory is that the car will be stolen.   As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.   Her theory was right.   The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.   I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.   Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these.   "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.   I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.   "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.   Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.




NEAR DEATH

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.

"They're for the funeral."




A TRIP TO THE STORE

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!




THE FUNERAL

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?




ABOUT REACHING 104

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'




HIDING EASTER EGGS

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.




GETTING OLD

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.




AEROBICS

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.




WALMART

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'




MY MEMORY

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.




ON PREVENTING SAGGING

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.




MAKING NOISES

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.




MY SHOPPING CART

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'




THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.




WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers.   Here, use my i Pad."

I can tell you this.   That fly never knew what hit him.




Answering machine message

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."




Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.




The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.




I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.




ON PLAYING GOLF

Arthur is 90 years old.   He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.   One day he arrives home looking sad.   "That's it," he tells his wife.   "I'm giving up golf.   My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three.   He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.   He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."




ON GETTING MARRIED

Jacob , age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married.   They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,   and on the way they pass a drugstore.   Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.   The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."




You know you're getting old when it feels like the morning after but you haven't been anywhere the night before."