I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Arkansas, and Alabama on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 renegotiated my contract. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that you children will be safe with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
(1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
(2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola
and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. In addition, Bubba does not smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
(3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' huntin' dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
(4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott,
and Petty."
(5) "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" And you are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
(6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite
Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
(7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's
a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
And Finally,
(8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure, the wife, and the
kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American
Fairies and Elves, Union 1225