A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,
"It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."



There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.



"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."



A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."



There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."



While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."



A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "



A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."



People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.



Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."



The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!



A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness.   Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade.   He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today.   Please forgive me and grant me just one wish - make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."



An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
"I've had a pretty good life," the $20 says. "I've been to Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, and even on a Caribbean cruise."
"You did have an exciting life!" the dollar says.
"Where have you been?" the $20 asks.
"Oh, I've been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans..."
"Wait," the $20 interrupts. "What's a church?"



Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $25."
The second boy says, "That's nothing.   My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat.   My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!"



A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"



A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures.   As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns



A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.   At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.   They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out.   As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"



A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.   At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. A nun lettered a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving along the lunch line, at the other end was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies.   A girl wrote a note, which she put next to the tray of cookies, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."



Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".



A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.   With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"   The congregation nodded their approval.   With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!"   The people clapped and were saying "Amen."   And then finally, he concluded, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"

As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."