Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~Johnny Carson
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
~W. C. Fields
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
~Victor Borge
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
~Katharine Whitehorn
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year's gifts.
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
~Dave Barry
I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
~Harlan Miller
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
~Dave Barry
There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries.
~W. J. Cameron
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
~Dave Barry
A hug is the perfect gift; one size fits all, and nobody minds if you exchange it.