1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating
oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that,
for
business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
(And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout:
"I am just dislodging food
trapped in this male's trachea!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him
provided
that (1) He is legally within the basepath,
and (2) You also
pound him fraternally with your fist
hard enough to cause
fractures.
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
6. You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being
with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are
taking it
easy -- you're watching a football game; she's
reading the
papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you
that she thinks she really loves you,
but she can no longer bear
the uncertainty of not knowing
where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking
whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe
that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make
a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by
holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Redskins called a draw play
on
third and seventeen.
7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and
you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the
joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all
the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer,
come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze
blowing
her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and
asks
you to get your three children ready for school.
Your first
question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed
new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were
originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and
we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is
quietly trying to discard his underwear.
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer "c."
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.