When I was a kid and went to school,
Arithmetic was only taught by rote and rule.
I did long division and I took cube root;
At the rule of three I was especially astute.
I was so astute at the rule of three
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He was so astute at the rule of three
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


In algebra, later, I learned nice words
Like TRANSPOSE, CANCEL, and REMOVE THE SURDS.
DIVIDE BOTH SIDES BY z OR y;
That either might be zero didn't make me sigh.
I cared so little if zero was z
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He cared so little if zero was z
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


In geometry, too, I made such a mark
That my classmates called me a regular shark.
I memorized theorems through and through;
Originals I never was required to do.
Originals useless seemed to me
So now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
Originals useless seemed to him
So now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


In college, of course, I played my part;
I majored in Math from the very start.
It didn't much matter if I learned the stuff;
I only had to manage a successful bluff;
I managed to bluff so successfully
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He managed to bluff so successfully
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


The faculty said I was such a jerk,
I was obviously destined for graduate work.
They gave me a job so I could earn some pelf
By teaching younger morons who were like myself.
I taught those morons with such esprit
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
He taught those morons with such esprit
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


My graduate work I took in stride;
If I couldn't prove a theorem I just let it ride.
With grades of C I was quite content,
But now and then I made a B by accident.
So frequently by accident I made a B
That now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
So frequently by accident he made a B
That now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


They had a silly rule that a thesis was required,
So I sought a kind professor whose assistance I desired.
He said, "Do this" and he said, "Do that"
And he had my thesis finished up in three months flat.
It wasn't a brilliant thesis, but it didn't have to be,
So now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
It wasn't a brilliant thesis, but it didn't have to be,
So now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


I still had to take an oral exam;
My only preparation was to cram, cram, cram.
The profs all said I made a very poor show,
But I knew as much at present as I ever would know.
To get me off their hands, they gave me a degree,
So now I am the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
To get him off their hands, they gave him a degree,
So now he is the holder of the Ph.D.


Now math students all, both far and near,
If you want to seek an academic life career,
And you don't want to teach in a secondary school,
Be guided by this golden rule:
Never try to show originality,
And you each may be the holder of the Ph.D.

Chorus:
Never try to show originality,
And you each may be the holder of the Ph.D.