At the end of the unit on optimization (maximum / minimum problems), the math teacher looked right at his students and said, "There is one final piece of advice that I have for you.   No matter what you have learned in this unit, never apply it to your personal lives!"

"Why?" the students asked.

"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen.   So, I decided to optimize the procedure, and I told my wife about the results."

"What happened?"

"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed nearly an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us.   Now, it takes me less than fifteen minutes to make my own."

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, "I'll have a beer."
The second says, "I'll have half a beer."
The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."

The barman pulls out just two beers.
The mathematicians are all like, "That's all you're giving us?
How drunk do you expect us to get on that?"

The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."

What math is discussed between sea gulls?
        Answer: Integral Calculus (Inter-gull Calculus).

Why do mathematicians like national parks?
        Answer: Because of the natural logs.

"Students nowadays are so clueless," said a math professor to one of his colleagues.   "Just yesterday, a student came up to me and asked if General Calculus was a Roman war hero."

What is the volume of a disk with radius z and height a?
        Answer: Pi z z a!

One day, Jesus said to his disciples:
"The Kingdom of Heaven is like y = 3 x^2 + 8 x - 9."

A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter:
"What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"

Peter smiled. "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."


Two mathematicians were having dinner.   One was complaining, "The average person is a mathematical idiot.   People cannot do arithmetic properly, cannot balance a check book, cannot figure tips, cannot do percents,..."   The other mathematician disagreed, "You're exaggerating.   People know all the math they need to know."  

Later in the dinner, the complainer went to the men's room.   The other mathematician beckoned to the waitress and said, "The next time you come past our table, I am going to stop you and ask you a question.   No matter what I say, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared."

When the other mathematician returned, his companion said, "I am tired of your complaining.   I am going to stop the next person who comes by our table and ask him or her an elementary calculus question, and I bet the person can solve it."   Soon the waitress came by and he asked, "Excuse me, Miss, but can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?"   The waitress replied, "x-squared."   The mathematician said, "See!"   His friend said, "Oh I guess you're right."   And the waitress said, "Plus a constant."


Graphing rational functions is a pain in the asymptote
(e.g., y = 1/x).

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator.   His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better.   All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction.   Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."


The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.).   Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!"
All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.

The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I am e to the x", says the exponential self-confidently.
"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"


The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6.

Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.


Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm

Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin?

Person 2: A natural log cabin.

Person 1: No, a houseboat - you forgot to add the c!

My old car is like   ex.   You can derive it all you want, but you're not going to get anywhere.

A mathematician walks into a bar and orders 1/2 a beer.
Another mathematician walks in and orders 1/4 a beer.
Another walks in and orders 1/8 a beer.
Another walks in and orders 1/16 a beer.
Another walks in and orders 1/32 a beer.
Then 1/64, 1/128, and so on.
The bartender looks at them and says, "You're all idiots," and proceeds to pour them one beer.