######
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, he would have chosen TEN disciples.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
-- Steven Wright

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? -- Steven Wright

You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.

President Bush's morning security briefing is wrapping up. Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld is concluding his part and says, "Finally, three Brazilian soldiers were
killed yesterday near Baghdad."
"OH MY GOD!" shrieks Bush, and he buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable
30 seconds. Stunned at the unexpected display of emotion, the President's staff
sits speechless, not sure how to react.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld, "How many is a brazillion?"

Did you hear about the teacher who was arrested trying to board
an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator?

He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

Deep Thoughts ... By Jack Handey

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should
just call them 'impressions' and if you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals
out.

He says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah
decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine
except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the
snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass.
Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes,
everybody is happy.
Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes.

"We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

Did you hear about the geometer who went to the beach

to catch the rays and became a tangent ?

Math teachers are now being asked not to teach negative numbers.

It's another step to build student self esteem and keep them thinking positively!

-- David Letterman

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes
obtuse, but always, he was right.

Is it possible to cut a prime rib with a steak knife or is a prime rib divisible
only by itself and by the number one?

(sent in by Izzy Kushner)

A mathematician once was asked in his class: "What is mathematics good for?"

He replied: "This question makes me sick.

Like when you show somebody the Grand Canyon for the first time, and he asks you,

`What's it good for?'
What would you do?

Why, you would kick the guy off the cliff".

A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money.

When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize,

the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

"1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."

There are three kinds of mathematicians -- those who can
count and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world:
Those who can be categorized into one of two
groups of people, and those who can't.

There are 10 groups of people in the world: those who understand binary, and
those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world: those that don't do math, and those
that take care of them.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage involves mathematics for it

Doubles joys,

Halves sorrows, and

Quadruples expenses.

Mathematics is made up of 50 percent formulas, 50
percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the
differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a
mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go
around frightening the other patients by staring at them
and saying "I differentiate you!"
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared
at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his
victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies,
stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I
differentiate you!", but still the other man had no
reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician
screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can
differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.).
Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!"

All immediately hide themselves under the tables,
only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.
The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"

"No, I am e to the x", says the exponential self-confidently.

"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"

Joan: If a man smashed a clock, could he be accused of killing time?

Jane: Not if he could prove that the clock struck first.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they
translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means
something entirely different.

--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The polite mathematician says, "You go to infinity -- and don't hurry back!"

Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural
logarithms.

Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are
square.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my math class: it would seem so much longer.

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student
copied the answer from the good student next to him, but
didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so
he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)"

Love is never having to say you're sorry. Statistics is never having to say you're certain.

A teacher was trying to impress her students with the fact that terms cannot be
subtracted from one another unless they are like terms. "For example,"
she continued, "we cannot take five apples from six bananas."

"Well," countered a pupil, "can't we take five apples from three trees?"

The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6.
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.

The West Virginia High School League instituted tough new
eligiblity criteria this year for all high school
athletes. Each player must pass both a verbal and a
mathematics test.

The coach of one of the local high schools asked if he
could be present when they tested his star quarterback.
He was allowed to sit in the back during the oral test.

The player was asked to spell his name for the verbal
part of the test.

He said, "B - U - B - B - A."

"Well done! Now for the math part, what is 6 plus 2?"
The quarterback answered, "8." And the football coach,
yells out, "Give him another chance!"

Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"

Student: " Ten Q"

Teacher: "You're Welcome."

A SLICE OF PI
******************
3.14159265358979
1640628620899
23172535940
881097566
5432664
09171
036
5

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

A math teacher is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

"The problems for the exam will be similar to the ones discussed in the class.

Of course, the numbers will be different.

But not all of them. Pi will still be 3.14159... "

A man who travels a lot was concerned about the possibility of a bomb on board his plane. He determined the probability of this,
found it to be low but not low enough for him, so now he always travels with a bomb in his suitcase. He reasons that the probability of two bombs being on board would be infinitesimal.

-- John Allen Paulos in his book *Innumeracy*

You Might Be a Mathematician if...

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. -- Steven Wright

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? -- Steven Wright

You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.

President Bush's morning security briefing is wrapping up. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is concluding his part and says, "Finally, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday near Baghdad."

"OH MY GOD!" shrieks Bush, and he buries his head in his hands for a seemingly interminable 30 seconds. Stunned at the unexpected display of emotion, the President's staff sits speechless, not sure how to react.

Finally, Bush looks up and asks Rumsfeld, "How many is a brazillion?"Did you hear about the teacher who was arrested trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator?

He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

Deep Thoughts ... By Jack Handey

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and if you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out.

He says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.

Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes.

"We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

Did you hear about the geometer who went to the beach

to catch the rays and became a tangent ?

Math teachers are now being asked not to teach negative numbers.

It's another step to build student self esteem and keep them thinking positively!

-- David Letterman

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

Is it possible to cut a prime rib with a steak knife or is a prime rib divisible only by itself and by the number one?

(sent in by Izzy Kushner)

A mathematician once was asked in his class: "What is mathematics good for?"

He replied: "This question makes me sick.

Like when you show somebody the Grand Canyon for the first time, and he asks you,

`What's it good for?' What would you do?

Why, you would kick the guy off the cliff".

A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money.

When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize,

the mathematician explains the mode of payment:

"1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."

There are three kinds of mathematicians -- those who can count and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world; those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world: Those who can be categorized into one of two groups of people, and those who can't.

There are 10 groups of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world: those that don't do math, and those that take care of them.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage involves mathematics for it

Doubles joys,

Halves sorrows, and

Quadruples expenses.

Mathematics is made up of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can
differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!"

All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.

The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"

"No, I am e to the x", says the exponential self-confidently.

"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"

Joan: If a man smashed a clock, could he be accused of killing time?

Jane: Not if he could prove that the clock struck first.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.

--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The polite mathematician says, "You go to infinity -- and don't hurry back!"

Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.

Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my math class: it would seem so much longer.

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)"

Love is never having to say you're sorry. Statistics is never having to say you're certain.

A teacher was trying to impress her students with the fact that terms cannot be subtracted from one another unless they are like terms. "For example," she continued, "we cannot take five apples from six bananas."

"Well," countered a pupil, "can't we take five apples from three trees?"

The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6.

Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.

The West Virginia High School League instituted tough new eligiblity criteria this year for all high school athletes. Each player must pass both a verbal and a mathematics test.

The coach of one of the local high schools asked if he could be present when they tested his star quarterback. He was allowed to sit in the back during the oral test.

The player was asked to spell his name for the verbal part of the test.

He said, "B - U - B - B - A."

"Well done! Now for the math part, what is 6 plus 2?" The quarterback answered, "8." And the football coach, yells out, "Give him another chance!"

Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"

Student: " Ten Q"

Teacher: "You're Welcome."

you are fascinated by the equation .

you know by heart the first fifty digits of pi.

you have tried to prove Fermat's Last Theorem.

you know ten ways to prove Pythagoras' Theorem.

your telephone number is the sum of two prime numbers.

you have calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.

you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

when you say to a car dealer "I'll take the red car or the blue one", you must add "but not both of them."

Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin?

Person 2: A natural log cabin.

Person 1: No, a houseboat - you forgot to add the c!

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.

Ralph: Well, you could try.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is

not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We

are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share

the room with others," he is told by the doorman (say his name is

Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is

no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm.

They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

"See, here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!", says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!", says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.

"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest

rates are headed?"

Subject: Life

Mathematical Formula

lim (major) = P.E.

GPA-->0

In God we trust, All others must supply data.

The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate Math course

whose final always consisted of "Make up an appropriate final exam for

this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."

Then one year, a student answered as follows:

The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and

answer it. You will be graded on both parts." The answer is: "Make

up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will

be graded on both parts."

His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor

could write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student.

He got an A. The professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.

In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi.

When a mathematician writes a Fantasy book, will the page numbers be imaginary numbers?

My mother is a mathematician, so she knows how to induce good behavior.

"If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...."

Write the expression for the volume of a thick crust pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

Answer: The formula for volume is pi x (radius)

^{2}x (height). In this case, pi·z·z·a.

Telephone operator: "I am sorry but the number you dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and dial the number again."

When Shakespeare was asked what term was missing from b

^{2}+ _____ + 1, he said, "2b or -2b, that is the question!"

Cautioning the witness to remember that she was under oath, the lawyer asked, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-nine and some months," she replied.

"How many months?"

"A hundred and ten."

How old was the witness?

A daughter asked her father who had just turned ninety, and who had never shown any fear of death, if now he did not have some fear of dying.

He answered, "I have no fear. Statistics prove that more people die under ninety than over ninety."

Having one wife is monogamy. Having two wives is bigotry. Having three wives is trigonometry!

The trouble with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statisitcs joke is an outlier.

-- Denis Everett, Coronado, California

I heard that parallel lines do meet, but they are very discrete.

The mother asks, "What did you learn in trigonometry class today?"

The student answers, " That I was right. It IS the sun and not the ocean that causes my skin to get darker when I am at the beach.

Apparently, there is a *sign* that says that the *sea can't* *tan (a) gent*.

(created and submitted by Roxanne Eckenrode)

Dear IRS: I haven't been able to sleep since I cheated on my taxes. I understated my income, so I have enclosed a check for $200. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

My old car is like e

^{x}. You can derive it all you want, but you're not going to get anywhere.

Two kittens are on a sloped roof.

Which one falls off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

(mu is the coefficient of friction)

There's a band called 1023 MG.

They haven't had any gigs yet.

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?

Class: At once!