Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. One of Carson's most well known characters,
Carnac was a "mystic from the east" who could psychically "divine" unseen answers to unknown questions. As Carnac, Carson wore a large feathered turban and a cape.
Longtime sidekick Ed McMahon introduced the Carnac routines. After Carnac entered and stumbled, Ed would continue as follows:
"I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've
been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in
your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions."
The act involved a variation of the magician's mind reading trick: divining the answer to a question written on a card sealed inside one of the envelopes,
announcing it to the audience, then tearing open the envelope to reveal the question. The comedy came from an unexpected question following a
seemingly straightforward answer. Here are some examples:
ANSWER: Nestea Plunge.
QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is stopped up?
A: Over 105 in Los Angeles. (presumably referring to the temperature)
Q: Under the Reagan plan, how old would you have to be to collect Social Security?
A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?
A: 9W.
Q: Mr. Wagner, do you spell your name with a V?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Henry R. Block.
Q: Name one guy who's rich after April 15th.
A: El Paso.
Q: What's one of the three options of a Mexican quarterback?
A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: Kumquat.
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?
A: Roe v. Wade.
Q: According to Vice President Quayle, what are the two options for crossing the Potomac River?
A: De-frost.
Q: On a cold morning, what forms on de-grass?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.
A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?
A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea.
Q: Where is the American dollar headed?
A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
A: Fondue.
Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night?
A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.
Q: Name two words that have no meaning.
A: Eleven.
Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?
A: Superbowl.
Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
A: Plumber's helper.
Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper?
A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
A: Lo-fat.
Q: Name a Chinese diet doctor.
A: Black feet.
Q: What have the oil companies given our wildlife?
A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
A: Sanford and Son and Ed McMahon.
Q: Name three people who sell a lot of junk.
A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
A: Mop and Glow.
Q: Which floor wax was used by the Three Mile Island cleanup team?
A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter.
Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.
A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
A: Timbuktoo.
Q: What comes after Timbuk-one?
A: Jello and "Charlie's Angels."
Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk?
A: The Loch Ness Monster.
Q: Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa?
A: Stick 'em up!
Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be?
A: Kaleidoscope.
Q: What instrument does a doctor use to examine your kaleido?
A: The four musketeers.
Q: How would a wino see the three musketeers.
A: Elmer, Roger and Billy Carter.
Q: Name a Fudd, a Mudd and a dud.
A: Planter's Punch.
Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistful of peanuts
A: Groundhog.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?
A: Green thumb.
Q: What does the Jolly Green Giant use to hitchike with?
A: Sha-na-na.
Q: How do you tell a Sha not to do something?
A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
A: Sissss, Boooom, Baaaaah!
B. Describe the sound you hear when a sheep blows up!!
Click here for videos of Carnac The magnificent
Click here for "Carnac The Magnificent Mathematician"