Henny Youngman
Below are a few of Henny Youngman's
classic one-liners, and we've set them up in puzzle format. The object is to beat Henny
to the punch. Laughing is permitted.
For example: One morning my wife ran out in her robe and asked the garbage
collector, "Am I too late?" ..(Answer: "No," he said, "jump in.")
1. The six fraternity men came weaving out of the off-campus
gin mill. The president said to one of the fellows, "Herbie,
you drive, ...
2. An empty-headed, lovely young girl stood at the bank
teller's window. He looked at her and at the check she wished
to cash, then asked her if she could identify herself. She ...
3. A fellow bought a mousetrap for his cellar. When he went
to set it, he found that he had forgotten to buy cheese, so he
cut a piece of cheese from a picture in a magazine and placed
this in the trap. Surprisingly enough it worked. When he went
down the next morning, he found in the trap ...
4. I don't know what to get my wife anymore. First she
wanted a mink, I got her a mink. Then she wanted a silver
fox, I got her a silver fox. ...
5. A cross-eyed judge was trying three cross-eyed prisoners.
He turned to the first cross-eyed prisoner and said, "What's
your name?" And the second cross-eyed prisoner said, "John
Brown," and the cross-eyed judge said, "I wasn't talking to
you," and ...
6. Woman to dentist: "I don't know what's worse, having a
baby or getting a tooth pulled."
Dentist:" ..."
7. A man brags about his new hearing aid. "It's the most
expensive I've ever had -- twenty-four hundred dollars."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says, " ...
8. My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack. For
two days she looked nice. Then ...
9. Somebody once asked me, "Henny, do you like bathing
beauties?"
I said, " ...
10. Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said,
"Gee, I hope it doesn 't rain today. ...
11. One time I came home and my wife was crying because
the dog had eaten a pie she had made for me.
"Don't cry," I told her, " ...
12. Did you hear about the rich kid from Dallas who walked
up to Santa Claus and said, " ...
13. "You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch ...
14. My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought
home two dresses and an ...
15. I solved the parking problem. I bought a ...
16. I'll never forget when I lost my baby teeth. ...
17. Psychiatrist to patient: "What do you do for a living?"
Patient: "I'm an auto mechanic."
Psychiatrist: "...
18. What do you get for a man who has everything? ...
19. Two fellows were applying for jobs as truck drivers.
One says, "This is my partner Sam. My name is Orville."
"OK, Orville, I want to give you a mental test. Suppose you
are driving along a road at three o'clock in the morning, you
are on a little bridge, and another truck is coming toward you
at a hundred miles an hour. What is the first thing you'd do?"
"I'd wake up my partner Sam, and say ...
20. Calling all cops -- calling all cops -- be on the lookout --
they are passing a lot of counterfeit tens and twenties ...